The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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