Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
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There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
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Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
that is very illegal...i love you.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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