If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
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..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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