Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
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I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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