I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
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You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
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You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So here I am, sexting at work.
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