I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
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My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
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