I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
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I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
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I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
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