who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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