I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
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He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I deserve this hangover.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
jump out the window naked night went bad
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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