yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
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Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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