I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
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Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
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This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
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