Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize