Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
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I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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