dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
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Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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