why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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