I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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