Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
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you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
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i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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