Dude my mom stole all your condoms
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize