Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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