I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
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you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
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I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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