And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
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I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
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Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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