11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
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he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
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Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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