I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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