Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
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I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
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He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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