Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize