New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
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Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
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According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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