"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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