that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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