Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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