Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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