Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
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Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
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I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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