he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
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Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
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I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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