Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
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i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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