how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
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do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
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I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize