the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
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I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
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And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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