i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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