Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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