I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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