then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
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I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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