Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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