All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
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Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
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I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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