The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
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