There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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