she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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