I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
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She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
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If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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