We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
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Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
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How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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