In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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