I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize