Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
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So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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