So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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